uccellodifuoco | 19th Rise of the Phoenix ஜ Voice

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19th Rise of the Phoenix ஜ Voice

[He always thought that his worst months, the ones he hated the most, were August and September, to be exact the last half of August and the first half of September. But this year Ikki is realizing that he hates February even more. He feels like a caged furious tiger, knowing that something is up, that something is going to happen and that it probably will happen to him and totally unable to do anything to avoid it or escape from it. All he can do is pace in his cage, glare and growl, acting all tough, while inwardly praying to every deity for things to remain fine after the month ends.

He hates to have his feelings played with, he specially hates it when because of that women are hurt once the experiment ends and they realize it was all fake and even if it wasn't his fault he hates it and blames himself for it. But mostly, he hates the idea that Kotomi may be affected again, that come the 14th she may be wandering around the village again, a chocolate box in her hands, ready to give them to someone else who isn't him. And with that hate comes the fear that it may actually happen. That even once the experiment is over she may come to realize she doesn't love him that much or just that the other man is better than Ikki and so he won't just lose her for a few days but forever. But there's nothing he can do to avoid that, to try to ensure that doesn't happen, at least nothing that isn't downright cruel and probably illegal.

Any other day he would convince himself that even if that happened it would be for the better for both of them. But this month he finds himself unable to fool himself as easily as the rest of the year. He may lose Kotomi and not just because it was meant to happen but because a childish so-called scientist thinks that playing with people's hearts is a good experiment. He definitively can't accept that. So rather than just sit and lay low, uncaring for the world, Ikki finds himself more restless than ever. And he realizes it's worrying when he actually grabs his journal and makes a post, hoping that despite some people's strange behavior there will be some left normal enough to engage in conversation and distract him for a bit.]

Hey, Luceti... How many of you have actually ever gotten anything "good" from all the crap the Malnosso put us through? Experiments, drafts, kidnappings, you name it. Do you even bother with trying to find a positive thing to some of those things? Make the best out of it or however you want to say it.

And how many of you have got things downright ruined, or at least damaged enough, because of those thing? Even if you managed to fix things up later on or if you still are dragging along the luggage of that disaster. I'm not asking for details, I'm just curious as to how many chances do I have to not end this month wanting to kill everyone in my sight who looks like a scientist with a weakness to play with people's feelings.

[Private to Kotomi]

I love you.

[Normally he wouldn't say it so openly -even if this is private for just her-, but it's the most direct way he can think of checking if Kotomi has been affected by an experiment or not this month. The day she doesn't answer or answers anything different than showing that she still loves him he's going to have a heart attack.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Did something happen?

[As Marco goes STRAIGHT to the heart of it.]

No.

[Pause.]

Not yet at least.

Ah. The good old, worried that it will happen, stage.

You just have to trust you both that no matter what happens from a shift, you'll get through it afterwards together, eh?

[He would make this private if it wasn't because he doubts Kotomi would even look at anything else but her own conversations with him. So he assumes it's safe to not bother with it.]

Easy to say and do when it's not shit related to changing our feelings. I can deal with shifts normally, but this month is when they like to pull out that crap of making people fall in love all around regardless of their previous own feelings, isn't it? It's not just us forgetting we're dating or anything like that, it's that she may fall in love with some other guy and discover that there are better people than me, or she may just love him more or something like that.

[That's okay, Marco kindly privates it to block out everyone else.] Ikki, you spent hours standing outside hugging each other.

I love Robin more than I've ever loved everyone, and we still wouldn't be able to do that. It's simply impossible, no matter how much they messed up Kotomi-chan's feelings, the minute she was back to normal, she'd probably cling to you forever and just be worried that you were mad at her.

Although, if you're still worried, why don't you ask her to spend the next week with you? I bet she'd keep her promise even if she was shifted, and usually it's a "first person you see" thing, right? So if she always sees you first you protect her and be the first person she sees.

And if she was going to suddenly realize she wasn't in love with you and it was just Malnosso playing around with her mind, she'd have done that months ago. It's not like this is her first shift.

We didn't plan to end hugging for hours, it's just we seem to tend to forget about time and there's no way I'm releasing her from a hug first. [And Kotomi is the type that can even forget about eating so...]

I wouldn't be mad at her, I've never been... But I would want to rip off the arms and legs of whoever was with her during that time.

[The last part is mumbled, but serious. Ikki is quite a jealous and possessive man after all, but only if she remained as his girlfriend and returned to his side.]

We met like this, or rather we already knew each other but it was last February when we got together first. The experiment affected us and we thought we were in love with each other, but that wore off after a few days, of course. She technically she already realized she wasn't in love with me long ago.

[And then they fell in love with each other for real. Even not being a romantic type Ikki thinks it's kind of a cute ending. Though it helps Smoker to think that them both are some sort of destined lovers or something together with other experiments that have insisted in keeping them together.]

I don't need to ask her to spend the week with me, though. I call her first thing every morning, early enough that I'm basically her signal to wake up.

But last year we hadn't seen each other in a few days yet we searched for each other when the experiment hit us. So it's not always a "first person you see" thing.

[That's because Smoker's shifts always push him into pirates. And just his destiny in general actually... Although now even Marco is starting to think it's destiny. And he vehemently disbelieves in that sort of thing!]

If she already realized, and then you fell in love all over again, then there's nothing that can break that, Ikki.

You can't cut that bond with a thousand swords, or track it with a hundred hounds, and it can't be shattered, it's just not that fragile, eh? [Any excuse to work in a Princess Bride quote. And he has a reason to have read it again recently since the new book club's first book is that.]

Maybe the first shift acted as a catalyst, but you two are the reason it stayed together, so there's no shifts that can break that apart.

[Ikki snorts, you really sound like Smoker there. Only with better words, and what's with those metaphors about swords and hounds?]

I've heard that before... I guess that if we look at our history with shifts and how they kept pushing us together even when we were five years old brats or thinking we had lived here forever, you could say that it's hard for a shift to break us apart.

But even if the shift doesn't do it, it still can just help her find someone better after all. Or worse, what if someone better finds her and decides to try to get her? I doubt my way to deal with that would please her. I'm not above killing to protect what I love, or sending them into an eternal nightmare and I doubt she would like any of that.

Oi oi... I'm not above killing either, [What? He's just saying, if someone hurts his phoenix bro he'll kill them, no biggie.] but the idea that there is someone better than you for her, is just laughable. If there was, she could have already chosen such an imaginary person. But she didn't, she chose you. And you trust he right? So you have to trust her judgement on you too.

That's how it is with me and Robin. I'm nowhere near good enough for her, and we both know it, but there's no one better than me, so I'll just have to do, eh?

You're just biased, Marco. There are many men who could be better than me for her, fortunately there are also many who would be worse, and I'm not nice enough to actually let her go to those who would be better than me unless she says she doesn't want to be with me.

[He sighs, slightly frustrated.]

I trust her, but she doesn't know as much as me as you do, for example. I'm not sure if she wouldn't change her mind if she knew those things, or if she really understood the ones she knows. We're talking about a woman who thinks that the worst thing the world can offer are bullies who bother others.

[He snorts lightly at the last part.]

I feel for her, having to resign herself to just have you as a lover. A random totally normal and not unique wannabe pirate with no name or strength, with no morals or loyalties, so ugly than even hellhounds would cry upon seeing his face and with the social skill of a stick- Oh wait, that's the complete opposite of what you are.

[Guess who is also biased.]

[Marco laughs at that.] Like I said, eh. There is no one better than me. [And if there is... he'll just kick them until they stay away. All good!]

Do you really think that the more Kotomi-chan finds out about you, the less she'll want you? That's not how love works. The more she finds out, the more she'll want you, eh. That's how love works.

Be brave. Slowly show her the things you're scared of her seeing about you, and I'm sure she won't disappoint you.

Mind you, I say that, while being still somewhat unable to show Robin all my sides, but I think she has fun figuring them out for herself.

I'm pretty sure she would be scared of me rather than want me. And I'm not scared of her seeing anything, I'm just realistic about how it could affect her.

[She won't be the one to disappoint, if anything the disappointing one is himself.]

So basically you're giving advice that you're not following yourself, what a great example you are.

Robin and Kotomi-chan are different. Robin enjoys a great deal of secrets. Until my last post, some of her own nakama here didn't even know we were dating.

I don't think she'd be that scared of you, maybe just for you, eh?

Indeed, Kotomi-chan has been talking about me since the start as far as I know.

[Though he's pretty sure it was unintentional on her part. He groans at the last comment.]

You say that as if it's a better thing.

[He laughs softly.]

It is. Look, ease her into it, but if you trust her, don't hold back forever, eh? I just know that's the kind of mistake I'd make.

I find it hard to believe that you can hold back.

Hey now, if it wasn't for Ace, I don't think I would have ever had the guts to even ask Robin out.

As it is, I'm pretty sure she wound up asking me out first, and I still wouldn't have had the guts to get that far. I can be very restrained, it just tends to be more boring.

Not having guts to do something isn't the same as holding back, you know.

[At least that's what Ikki tells himself.]

Boredom in this place isn't hard to find whatever you do anyway.

It's close enough. What are people's usual reasons for holding back? In my case, it's simply the knowledge of the risks that might not be worth it.

Eh, maybe, but there are ways to find things to do, eh?

I don't agree. I have no problems with "gathering courage" to tell Kotomi about myself or my story. Tell her that I've killed people? That my father was a monster that should burn in an eternal hell and who used his own children as cannon fodder? That I've died more times I care to count? That I've tried to kill myself and even tried to use my brothers for it? That's okay, I can tell her.

But I don't want her to know, simply that. She doesn't need to, she doesn't have to know. Even if you told me there would be no risks of her running away from me or anything bad, I still would hold back from telling her.

[So yea, it's totally not because he's scared of losing her, that's just a coincidence!]

I guess... At worst I can always just sit and wait for a blue bird brain to start playing games around the crowd.

Why are you holding that back then? Because you think it'll hurt her?

Eh, that part's a little hazy, but I want to say it mostly worked, right?

Because I don't see why it matters if I tell her or not. As I said she doesn't need to know it, if things change and there's a time in which she will need to know I'll tell her. Until then, ignorance is bliss.

[Of course it will hurt her, not just emotionally but physically as well. Maybe not when he tells her, maybe not after several months but it will happen, just like it happened to Esmeralda, just like it happened to that poor child and her grandfather. Crossing paths with a Saint is a sign of doom for those who aren't warriors unless they are lucky or not too involved. Being his girlfriend she's already involved, but at least he can make sure she won't ever feel the need to run to where he's having a fight if she's not really aware of what's on the line.]

I suppose. I mostly remember just that, you being a bird with a big ego playing around and then lots of words.

I'm not sure what we talked about but I've felt quite better in general since then, so I guess whatever you told me helped me a bit.

[Though he has been still having issues over other things, they aren't the same as always. Ironically that's an advance for Ikki.]

You know, I rarely told my brothers anything until it became relevant. There's too much information sometimes, and never enough time. But sometimes it was things they needed to know, and I just didn't know they needed it at the time. By the time she needs to know Ikki, it'll be too late. If I had Thatch back, I'm not sure what I'd tell him, but I know I wouldn't want to waste a single chance, eh? Keep that in mind.

[And he grins softly.] That sounds like how I always am.

Truly? I'm glad to have helped then, though I can't remember how I did that. I do remember something about trading letters for you meeting Leanne though. And I have the letters to remind me of it.

Don't be stupid. This isn't our world, the chances for her to ever need to know are slim at best. So few that even if they happen I can easily take care of them before she needs to know either way.

[It's a small blessing on Luceti.]

I remember that trade. Leanne wasn't the only one I've to meet, right? There was another one... Crow?

[Raven actually, but it's close, isn't it?]

Really? Then why are you so nervous that something could happen this week?

[Thinks about it for a second and snaps his fingers.] Raven! So long as you introduce yourself and maybe mention that you're my phoenix brother, you'll understand when you meet her. Both Leanne and Raven are sweethearts, but they don't get out much, since they're a little skittish around some people.

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